


Avengers Adventures in Texting

by laylabinx



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Funny, Humor, I shouldn't have as much fun with this as I do, Multi, fun with texting, the Avengers battle with technology
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 04:46:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 4,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laylabinx/pseuds/laylabinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I think we should convince the mayor to throw us a parade for saving the city.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Parade

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Приключения Мстителей в СМС](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6774646) by [faikit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/faikit/pseuds/faikit), [qazanostra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/qazanostra/pseuds/qazanostra)



> First in a series of SmartPwned, DamnYouAutoCorrect!, and overall technology battle with the Avengers ^.- Hope you all like it!

**To:** Director Eyepatch  
  
 **From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Tony** : So I think we should convince the mayor to throw us a parade for saving the city.

**Eyepatch:** Are you serious right now? Are you actually serious?

**Tony:** Yeah, why not?

**Eyepatch:** Why not? Stark, you destroyed half the city! You cost a couple billion, if not trillion, dollars in property damage and you managed to make the operatives of S.H.I.E.L.D. known by the entire country! The mayor wants you in a padded cell with no windows!

**Tony:** That’s being a bit dramatic. And we didn’t destroy the city, we saved it. Giant space slugs would have taken over otherwise. I’m going to call the mayor tomorrow and tell him about my idea. Avengers Day parade. It’ll be huge.

**Eyepatch:** If you do, you have balls carved of solid granite.

**Tony:** I’ll take that as a compliment. I’m glad you think about my balls in times of crisis, Nick.

**Eyepatch:** I never think about your balls, Stark. And that’s DIRECTOR Fury to you.

**Tony:** It’s cute that you’re using pet names now.

**Eyepatch:** I swear to God, Stark…


	2. Alphabet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it absolutely necessary for you to text me the entire alphabet, letter by letter, six times?

**To:** Scary Hot Ninja Chick

**From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Tony:** T

**Tony:** U

**Tony:** V

**Tony:** W

**Tony:** X

**Tony:** Y

**Tony:** Z

**Tony:** Now I’ve said my ABC’s, maybe now she’ll answer me.

**Ninja:** Jesus, Stark! I’m awake! What the hell do you want?!

**Tony:** I needed to ask you a question.

**Ninja:** At 3 in the morning?

**Tony:** Yes.

**Ninja:** Was it absolutely necessary for you to text me the entire alphabet, letter by letter, six times?

**Tony:** Completely.

**Ninja:** What do you want, Stark?

**Tony:** What’s Fury’s access code for the weapons bunker? Banner and I want to play Call of Duty with some plasma guns.

**Ninja:**...

**Tony:** So that code?

**Ninja:** Tony…I swear to every God that’s listening…if you text me again tonight I will cut off every single one of your fingers and make a necklace out of them. Understand?

**Tony:** That’s cute but seriously, the code?

**Tony:** Hello?

**Tony:** Natasha?

**Ninja:** Finger necklace in 3...2...

**Tony:** Night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Space Bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I think I’m developing some sort of mental speech impediment just from reading these texts.

**To:** Steve

**From:** Bruce

**OOOOO**

**Bruce:** Hey Steve, Fury wants us down in the meeting room in 20 to discuss the mission.

**Bruce** : Steve?

**Bruce:** Everything alright?

**Bruce:** Steve, why aren’t you answering?

**Steve:** OhmyGodhowdoyouspacewords?????

**Bruce:** …what?

**Steve:** Allmywordsarerunningtogether

**Steve:** Ican’tspacethem

**Steve:** Help!

**Bruce:** Uh…there should be a button on the bottom of your screen that serves as the space bar.

**Steve:** Therearenobuttons

**Steve:** justlettersandnumbers

**Steve:** Cellphonesarestupid!

**Bruce:** Wow, I think I’m developing some sort of mental speech impediment just from reading these texts. You should really talk to Tony about this.

**Steve:** Ididhelaughed

**Bruce:** He laughed at you?

**Steve:** Yes.

**Bruce:** Okay, come to the meeting room and I’ll try to show you where the space bar is.

**Steve:** O K A Y

**Steve:** I F I G U R E D I T O U T!

**Bruce:** Yeah…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. Prague

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hated Prague. My back hated Prague. My dignity hated Prague. I broke my wrist in Prague

**To:** Clint

 **From:** Tasha

**OOOOO**

**Tasha:** Hey, Fury wants us to be packed and ready to go by 1700 hrs today. We have a recon mission in Genoa tomorrow morning.

 **Clint:** For what?

 **Tasha:** Gather intel on Malisori and his men. They’re shipping out their cargo on Thursday and we need the coordinates.

 **Clint:** Why can’t they pull the coordinates from his phone calls? We’ve been tapping his phone for four months now.

 **Tasha:** They’re encrypted. Fury wants someone in the field. Come on, it’ll be fun. It’ll be like Prague all over again.

 **Clint:** …

 **Tasha:** What?

 **Clint:** I hated Prague. My back hated Prague. My dignity hated Prague. I broke my wrist in Prague.

 **Tasha:** Oh, don’t be such a baby. It wasn’t that bad.

 **Clint:** I had to wear a dress and got thrown out of a moving vehicle. It was that bad.

 **Tasha:** Okay, first of all I had no idea the night club was women only and second the car was not moving that fast; you’ve fallen out of worse.

 **Clint:** I landed in the sewer!

 **Tasha:** Now you’re just splitting hairs…

 **Clint:** All I’m saying is that Prague sucked. It sucked so hard it was unbelievable. The situation in Prague nearly became concave because of how much it sucked. I’ll go on this mission but it turns out to be anything like Prague I’m going to light myself on fire in the street.

 **Tasha:** Acknowledged. Should I bring the green dress again just in case? It matches your eyes.

 **Clint:** I really hate you sometimes…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Pick Up Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your lab bench or mine?

**To:** Not Easy Being Green

**From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Tony:** You’re hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power

**Green:** According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me

**Tony:** Whenever I am near you, I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away

**Green:** I want to stick to u like glue-cose

**Tony:** Me and you would undergo a more energetic reaction then Potassium and water

**Green:** I’m more attracted to you then F is attracted to an electron

**Tony:** Can I have your significant digits?

**Green:** Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry would have caused some problems for you

**Tony:** Nerd.

**Green:** That one is no more nerdy than some of the other ones you’ve come up with

**Tony:** Is too. I doubt any woman on the planet would fall for that line.

**Green:** I don’t think they would fall for any of these lines…

**Tony:** Hey baby. It's massive. You know what I'm talking about

**Green:** Oh come, that’s just vulgar

**Tony:** In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby

**Green:** Seriously…?

**Tony:** Your lab bench, or mine?

**Green:** Dude…

**Tony:** That one actually worked one time.

**Green:** I’m surprised any of these actually worked.

**Tony:** What can I say? I’m awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	6. Caller I.D.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know you don’t have to sign your name behind ever text message right?

**To:** Natasha

 **From:** Steve Rogers

**OOOOO**

**Steve:** Natasha, we’re going down to the training room to go over some new maneuvers if you’d like to join. -Steve Rogers

 **Natasha:** Okay, I have to finish something up here and then I’ll come down.

 **Steve:** Alright, you might want to wear something fire proof; Tony is testing out some new inventions. -Steve Rogers

 **Natasha:** Can do, thanks for letting me know.

 **Steve:** Anytime. -Steve Rogers

 **Natasha:** Uh…Steve?

 **Steve:** Yes? -Steve Rogers

 **Natasha:** You know you don’t have to sign your name behind every text message right?

 **Steve:** But how will you know who you’re talking to, then?

 **Natasha:** Honey…your name shows up on the caller ID. I know who I’m talking to.

 **Steve:** Really?

 **Natasha:** Yes, really. Your name is at the top of the screen and it appears next to each text message you send, you don’t have to sign your name behind it as well.

 **Steve:** Oh…sorry about that.

 **Natasha:** Its fine, just letting you know.

 **Steve:** Thanks.

 **Natasha:** Anytime.

 **Steve:** The Hulk just broke a wall…

 **Natasha:** This is why we don’t have nice things!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	7. Hunger Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, have you read that book series the Hunger Games?

**To:** Legolas

 **From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Tony:** Hey, have you read that book series the Hunger Games?

 **Legolas:** Tony, wherever you’re going with this…stop. I don’t want to hear it.

 **Tony:** No, seriously. It’s a good series, I think you’d probably enjoy it.

 **Legolas:** Nope.

 **Tony:** What’s the matter with you? You don’t like keeping up with current literature?

 **Legolas:** I have no interest in this series because I know exactly what you’re implying by suggesting it.

 **Tony:** I’m not implying anything, I just thought you might enjoy it because you have a lot in common with one of the characters.

 **Legolas:** See? There it is. That’s what you’ve been working for this whole time. You brought up this series just so you could compare me to the female main character. I knew it.

 **Tony:** Female? I was actually talking about Cato because he was a good athlete but, you know, if you’d rather swing for the female lead then go for it. Far be it from me to judge a man for his secret fantasies.

 **Legolas:** …You’re really not trying to compare me to the chick with the arrows?

 **Tony:** No, I’m not. I was trying to get you interested in the book for other reasons.

 **Legolas:** Well…I guess I could give it a shot.

 **Tony:** Atta boy

 **Tony:** By the way, can I change your last name to Everdeen in my phone?

 **Legolas:** -.-;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	8. ATM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I destroyed the automatic monetary dispensary machine outside of the First National Bank of Manhattan.

**To:** Steven Rogers

 **From:** Thor Odinson

**OOOOO**

**Thor:** Steven, I am in need of your assistance.

 **Steven Rogers:** What’s wrong, Thor?

 **Thor:** I have been apprehended by the earth’s law enforcement and am currently imprisoned in a room from which there is no escape without causing more damage than has already been done.

 **Steven Rogers:** You…got arrested?

 **Thor:** Verily.

 **Steven Rogers:** For What? And Why?

 **Thor:** I destroyed the automatic monetary dispensary machine outside of the First National Bank of Manhattan.

 **Steven Rogers:** You destroyed it? Why?

 **Thor:** It would not accept my coins and denied my access to monetary funds.

 **Steven Rogers:** Coins?

 **Thor:** Yes, true Asgardian gold and silver. The gods of these machines rejected my offering and expelled my coins onto the ground. An insult to not only myself and the offering I had made but also to my father and my people.

 **Steven Rogers:** I didn’t even know they took coins…

 **Thor:** My attempt at returning them caused the machine to break. I exacerbated the damage by attempting to fix it. The machine is now in the street. I believe I made a child cry.

 **Steven Rogers:** Okay…just stay where you are. I’ll come pick you up.

 **Thor:** I shall patiently await your arrival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	9. Quiver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They don’t sell spare parts in Elf Fancy Weekly?

**To:** Tony

**From:** Clint

**OOOOO**

**Clint:** Hey, do you think you could help me out with something?

**Tony:** I will never, ever wear tights if that’s where you’re going with this conversation.

**Clint:** Shut up, Tony -.-; I need some help with my quiver, it got damaged in our last mission and I haven’t been able to fix it.

**Tony:** They don’t sell spare parts in Elf Fancy Weekly?

**Clint:** You know what? Forget it, I’ll just ask Banner.

**Tony:** Sorry, the rage monster you’re trying to reach is unavailable at the moment, please try again. But seriously, Banner’s halfway across the world with Fury right now, he’s not here.

**Clint:** Great.

**Tony:** Look, I don’t know much about quivers or any other weapon that sounds vaguely sexual but bring it over this afternoon and I’m sure I can figure it out.

**Clint:** Are you sure?

**Tony:** Yeah, could be fun.

**Clint:** Thanks.

**Tony:** Oh, I’m not doing it for free. You’re going to have to pay.

**Clint:** How much do you want, Stark?

**Tony:** Cheetos and a Red Bull and I’ll let you off easy.

**Clint:** I can handle that.

**Tony:** Atta boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	10. Damn You Auto Correct!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lol, welcome to the world of autocorrect.

**To:** Stars and Stripes

 **From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Tony:** Hey, you’re going to have to go to that press conference on your own this afternoon. I have a meeting with Anderson at 5.

 **Stars and Stripes:** Seriously?

 **Tony:** Yep, sorry. Can’t cancel on him now, I’ve done it four times already. Looks like you’re on your own tonight.

 **Stars and Stripes:** Great, just my cock.

 **Tony:** I’m pretty sure more than just your cock is going to have to go to that conference, Steve.

 **Stars and Stripes:** Not that; stupid phone. My *cock

 **Tony:** Adding a star next to it doesn’t change anything, all of you is still going to have to go.

 **Stars and Stripes:** Dammit Tony! My Cock!

 **Tony:** Did you just develop Tourettes?

 **Stars and Stripes:** Cock!

 **Stars and Stripes:** COCK!

 **Tony:** Honestly, dear, there’s no need to yell. I heard you the first time. And didn’t we agree we were going to leave bedroom discussions at home?

 **Stars and Stripes:** L.U.C.K! Just my LUCK!

 **Tony:** Your cock is lucky? When did that happen? It’s like a fortune cookie in your pants.

 **Stars and Stripes:** Fraggle Utah

 **Tony:** I think that was the most adorable attempt at cursing I’ve ever heard.

 **Stars and Stripes:** Bite me, Tony.

 **Tony:** I will dear, later. But right now I have a meeting with Anderson and you and your lucky cock have to make it across town to Brooklyn. Have fun!

 **Stars and Stripes:** You’re so irrigating sometimes.

 **Tony:** Nope, that‘s the sprinkler but good try.

 **Stars and Stripes:** Ugh!

 **Tony:** Lol, welcome to the world of autocorrect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	11. Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I ever call you from jail and ask you to come pick me up, just do it with no questions asked, alright?

**To:** Not Easy Being Green

 **From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Tony:** If I ever call you from jail and ask you to come pick me up, just do it with no questions asked, alright?

 **Green:** Okay…are we talking hypothetically or inevitably?

 **Tony:** Both.

 **Green:** Got it. Why am I agreeing to this apparently unavoidable situation?

 **Tony:** I nearly got arrested today.

 **Green:** For what?

 **Tony:** For yelling at a girl in Best Buy.

 **Green:** Okay, first of all, why? Second, I thought you hated Best Buy. You called it the Walmart of electronic stores.

 **Tony:** I do hate Best Buy but they were the only ones in town that carried what I was looking for and I sort of got into a confrontation with a girl in one of the music aisles.

 **Green:** Which brings be back to my first question…

 **Tony:** She had horrible taste in music. She was fawning over Jessica Bieber or whatever the hell that kid’s name is and I told her that his (her?) music sucked. I told her the good artists wrote their own songs, not paid a group of writers do it for them. I tried to tell her about Queen and ACDC and she said they were talentless hacks whose music was old and outdated. I nearly punched her through the ceiling!

 **Green:** Tony…

 **Tony:** No Banner, it’s not cool! My dad would have beaten me with a toaster if I ever brought home music like that!

 **Green:** Well still, you can’t go around threatening children just because they don’t like the same music you do.

 **Tony:** You’re an enabler.

 **Green:** I am not, I’m just saying committing assault over current music is a really stupid reason to get thrown in jail.

 **Tony:** Says you; I’m crusading for classic rock and future generations everywhere. She should thank me.

 **Green:** I’m sure that was on the top of her list…

 **Tony:** It should have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	12. Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You stabbed him in the throat with a fork.

**To:** Tasha

 **From:** Clint

**OOOOO**

**Clint:** So I’m pretty sure Fury is going to want to talk to us about what happened in Paris…

 **Tasha:** I’m not sure what you mean.

 **Clint:** Come on, Tasha, don’t do that. You know what I’m talking about.

 **Tasha:** Hmm…nope, not ringing any bells.

 **Clint:** Well, for starters you killed our mole. The one we had specific instruction to bring back alive.

 **Tasha:** I didn’t mean to kill him, I was just trying to subdue him.

 **Clint:** You stabbed him in the throat with a fork.

 **Tasha:** He startled me. He shouldn’t have been lurking around in that hallway anyway.

 **Clint:** He’s a mole, he’s supposed to lurk. I think he’s a professional lurker by this point…er, he was. He probably majored in lurking in college.

 **Tasha:** Still, he shouldn’t have snuck up on me. And if we’re pointing fingers, you’re not entirely innocent either.

 **Clint:** Please, my guilt in this is about 10%

 **Tasha:** You punched the Prime Minister’s wife.

 **Clint:** Yeah but-

 **Tasha:** In the face.

 **Clint:** She-

 **Tasha:** And left her in the bathroom on the floor. I think you broke her nose.

 **Clint:** She was coming on to me! She hounded me all night like a dog with a bone and followed me into the restroom trying to get a quickie out of the deal!

 **Tasha:** The point is that neither of us were guilt-free on this mission. We both did things we shouldn’t have.

 **Clint:** Fine…Fury’s still going to be pretty pissed though.

 **Tasha:** Probably.

 **Clint:** I think we should leave out the part about accidentally shooting the French Ambassador…

 **Tasha:** He was wearing a vest already, it doesn’t count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	13. Acronymns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't understand the abbreviations people put in texts. They don't make any sense.

**To:** Tony

 **From:** Steve

**OOOOO**

**Steve:** I think I might need your help with something.

 **Tony:** I could make a list but go on.

 **Steve:** I don’t understand the abbreviations people put in text messages. They don’t make any sense.

 **Tony:** What do you mean?

 **Steve:** I mean I don’t understand how they relate to conversations; most of them seem really out of place.

 **Tony:** Like…?

 **Steve:** What does “lol” mean?

 **Tony:** Laugh Out Loud

 **Steve:** Oh…

 **Tony:** Why? What did you think it meant?

 **Tony:** Hello?

 **Tony:** Steve, darling, I’m going to find out either way so you might as well just tell me before I have to weasel it out of Banner or Clint.

 **Steve:** I thought it meant Lady of Liberty…

 **Tony:** Are you serious?

 **Steve:** Yes.

 **Tony:** What about “wtf”?

 **Steve:** We The Free

 **Tony:** “ftw”?

 **Steve:** Fight The War

 **Tony:** Oh good Lord…you are such a patriot…

 **Steve:** I’m from the 40’s! Everything was patriotic back then!

 **Tony:** You and I need to have a serious tech talk to get you transitioned into this era. Honestly, this is just sad…

 **Steve:** I think I’d just rather be re-frozen…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	14. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I unexpectedly set fire to the kitchen in the North Tower.

**To:** Bruce Banner

 **From:** Thor Odinson

**OOOOO**

**Thor:** The atmosphere on your planet appears to be highly flammable.

 **Bruce Banner:** I…oh God…what?

 **Thor:** I have found that it is remarkably easy to ignite a blaze with even the simplest of materials.

 **Bruce Banner:** What did you do…?

 **Thor:** I unexpectedly set fire to the kitchen in the North Tower.

 **Bruce Banner:** You what?!

 **Thor:** I set fire to the kitchen in the North Tower.

 **Bruce Banner:** I…realize that but how? What were you making?

 **Thor:** Coffee.

 **Bruce Banner:** Coffee…?

 **Thor:** Verily.

 **Bruce Banner:** And you…set fire to the kitchen?

 **Thor:** Yay, verily.

 **Bruce Banner:** How…? I don’t even…what?!

 **Thor:** The bag exclaimed “roasted for better flavor!” and I simply followed the advice. I was roasting the bag when the kitchen was overcome with flames.

 **Bruce Banner:** You roasted the bag…?

 **Thor:** Yes, my scientific companion.

 **Bruce Banner:** And you lit the kitchen on fire…?

 **Thor:** Yes. Well, the bag was the only thing ignited at first. But when I set it down, the flames traveled to table. And the floor. And then the walls.

 **Bruce Banner:** Okay….okay…are you alright, Thor? Did you get burned at all?

 **Thor:** Nay, my flesh is indomitable to such injuries. However, I cannot say the same for the kitchen. It appears to have been highly combustible.

 **Bruce Banner:** I think I’m developing a migraine…

 **Thor:** Is it better to roast coffee in the container you humans call a “microwave“?

 **Bruce Banner:** No, I don’t think that would work either…I’ll have to show you.

 **Thor:** I eagerly await your instruction. The toaster did not fair well in my attempt to use it for the purpose either.

 **Bruce Banner:** Oh God…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	15. Winning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You did not win! I simply decided to allow you and your pathetic planet to live another day longer until the second part of my plan comes into fruition.

**To:** Puny God

 **From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Tony:** We won.

 **Puny God:** Are you ever going to grow tired of this routine? This is the third time this hour.

 **Tony:** First, no. Second, fourth time; we won.

 **Puny God:** And you wonder why I had such a desire to take over your planet. It was so people like you would be handled in a proper fashion.

 **Tony:** That’s cute, but still: we won.

 **Puny God:** You did not win! I simply decided to allow you and your pathetic planet to live another day longer until the second part of my plan comes into fruition.

 **Tony:** Did the second part of your plan begin with you being led away in a Hannibal Lector mask? Because if so, bravo, you’re on the right track already.

 **Puny God:** You’re insufferable.

 **Tony:** I get that a lot. I take it as a compliment now more than an insult.

 **Puny God:** Does your running stream of sarcasm know no bounds?

 **Tony:** Not yet, I’ve been trying to tap that well dry for years.

 **Puny God:** Your friends must greatly appreciate that.

 **Tony:** They should, all the selfless things I do for them. But wouldn’t you know it? A good man’s work is never done. By the way, we won.

 **Puny God:** The minute I get back to your planet I’m going to personally cut out your tongue.

 **Tony:** Yeah, good luck with that. Hulk still remembers you from last time so I think you’ll have to go through him to get to any of the rest of us.

 **Puny God:** That green ogre is a savage.

 **Tony:** Tell him that, I’m sure he’d love to hear all about it.

 **Puny God:** Your taunts will not go unpunished, man of Iron. You will pay for your insolence eventually.

 **Tony:** I’ll look forward to that when you’re not wearing a muzzle anymore.

 **Puny God:** Fool!

 **Tony:** Yeah, I know. By the way, we won.

 **Puny God:** I hate you with every fiber of my being.

 **Tony:** Ah, the fun we two have together! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	16. Spanish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You sound like you’re speaking in tongues with a fancy Spanish accent.

**To:** Clint

 **From:** Tasha

**OOOOO**

**Tasha:** Hey, did you get those files that Fury wanted us to go over?

 **Clint:** Traje I hace turno Tasha: Uh…what? Clint: I hace turno

 **Tasha:** I have absolutely no idea what you’re trying to say.

 **Clint:** Samba! Muy Phoenix changde mi langosta to Espanol!

 **Tasha** : Seriously, did you just have stroke or something?

 **Clint:** No! Mi telefono sucia! Ahh!

 **Tasha:** Okay, I know how to speak and read Spanish but you’re not making any sense at all. You sound like you’re speaking in tongues with a fancy Spanish accent.

 **Clint:** Asir, hangar onda.

 **Tasha:** What?

 **Tasha:** Hello?

 **Tasha:** Clint?

 **Tasha:** The hell just happened?

 **Clint:** Ugh, sorry about that. I had to turn my phone off and restart the whole thing.

 **Tasha:** Why did you just go full Zorro on me?

 **Clint:** My phone updated its software and somehow changed all my language options to Spanish. I had to fix the settings and restart the whole thing before it would change the language back.

 **Tasha:** Wow that’s…new?

 **Clint:** You’re telling me; I’ve never had that happen before. But yeah, I have the files. I’ll bring them down to you in about 15 minutes.

 **Tasha:** Bueno

 **Clint:** -.-;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	17. Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell, you could just shout “FOR SCIENCE!” and have free reign for pretty much anything you wanted to do after that.

**To:** Scary Hot Ninja Chick

 **From:** Tony

**OOOOO**

**Ninja:** You’re out of your mind. I’m not putting that in my hair. Forget it.

 **Tony:** Why not? You were the one the one who text me asking for something that would treat chemical burns in your hair. That would work.

 **Ninja:** Okay, first: I did not text you, I was trying to get in touch with Pepper. You intercepted the phone. And second, I’m not putting placenta in my hair. That’s disgusting.

 **Tony:** Its not disgusting, its natural. People have been doing it for thousands of years to keep their hair healthy. They sell it at beauty stores all over the place.

 **Ninja:** No. End of story.

 **Tony:** Oh come on, it can’t be that bad. Just rinse and you’re done. What do you think its like to be the guy who collects the raw materials? You know he had to wake up one morning and think “wow, I have made some really bad decisions in my life.”

 **Ninja:** I don’t care. I’m still not putting that stuff in my hair.

 **Tony:** What do you think the interview process would be like? “So Dave, I heard you were looking for some exciting new experiences. Have I got a job for you!”

 **Ninja:** I’d be looking for a new job. Something less disgusting like professional animal neuterer.

 **Tony:** That’s terrifying.

 **Tony:** I remember reading once that the people who collect the semen to breed race horses and other prize animals make a lot of money. Like, ridiculous amount of money. Something like $100k/year.

 **Ninja:** How did we get on this conversation?

 **Tony:** You know, I think the only difference between what they do and animal porn is a camera. Though they could probably get away with it if they called it a “documentary”.

 **Ninja:** I’m sure there’s a lot of things you could get away with if you called it a “documentary”

 **Tony:** Hell, you could just shout “FOR SCIENCE!” and have free reign for pretty much anything you wanted to do after that.

 **Ninja:** Is that what you a Bruce do?

 **Tony:** …maybe….sometimes…

 **Tony:** Yes...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	18. Spider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God...are you afraid of spiders?

**To:** Bruce

 **From:** Clint

**OOOOO**

**Clint:** There’s a spider in the shower.

 **Bruce:** Okay? What’s your point?

 **Clint:** Its freakin’ huge and its looking at me. I’m trying to take a shower and I have eight little eyes staring me down from the side of the wall.

 **Bruce:** So kill it.

 **Clint:** I can’t kill it.

 **Bruce:** Why?

 **Bruce:** Hello?

 **Bruce:** Oh my God…are you afraid of spiders?

 **Clint:** No, I’m not afraid of them. I just don’t like being around them. Ever. For any reason.

 **Bruce:** Does Natasha know about this?

 **Clint:** Yeah, we have an agreement. She hates scorpions, I hate spiders. I deal with hers and she deals with mine. But she’s in Bolivia right now and there’s a big ass spider in the shower and I’m pretty sure Fury will murder me if I shoot it with one of my arrows.

 **Bruce:** You know this is really stupid, right?

 **Clint:** Completely but I don’t care. Can you come in here and Hulk smash it or something?

 **Bruce:** I’m not going to let the Other Guy out to take care of a little spider.

 **Clint:** Its not little. Its freakin’ huge.

 **Bruce:** How big is it?

 **Clint:** Big enough.

 **Bruce:** Clint…

 **Clint:** About five inches from toe to toe and its brown…I think it might be a tarantella.

 **Bruce:** Hmm, sounds like it but I think a tarantella is actually a folk dance.

 **Clint:** Effing auto correct -.-; *tarantula

 **Bruce:** Its okay, I knew what you meant.

 **Clint:** God, I’m looking at it right now…its like if my worst fear and Stephen King got together and made crazy, horrible love in a dark alley behind a warehouse and this is the bastard love child that sprang from it.

 **Bruce:** That was a…disturbing image. I’m almost done in the lab and I’ll come take care of it. Give me about ten minutes.

 **Clint:** Ten minutes?!

 **Bruce:** Yep, ten minutes or you’re going to have to deal with it on your own.

 **Clint:** Fine, I’ll wait…but just so you know, if this thing moves out of the shower and into my room I’m fully prepared to fake my own death and move.

 **Bruce:** Duly noted, Miss Muffet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
